Woefully Inadequate...

That is how I'm feeling after today...tired, weary and inadequate.  Today was not my first time dealing with this situation...the first time happened when I was eight months pregnant with E and I had a lady show up on my doorstep at 7:30 at night demanding, "Did you know?"  Thankfully, I was blissfully unaware and had no idea.  So, I sat with her for the next few hours and listened and supplied kleenex, while frantically praying Jut would come home and help deal with the situation.

Today, I got to sit and listen to another lady in a similar situation.  Thankfully, the situation isn't nearly as dire...but the hurt, confusion and anger are still very real and her marriage is in danger.  So, I sat and validated her feelings and was a sounding board for her anger, frustration and confusion.  But seriously, what do you say in those situations?!  Ministers go to school and get classes in dealing with the messy situations of our human existence.  Minister's wives (of which I try not to classify myself in that category...but regardless I am) don't...at least I didn't.  My education solely dealt with children and how to teach them...and if their life was too messy, I'd send them to the counselling office. The problem is I am now part of the counseling office (whether I like it or not) and empathy isn't one of my gifts.  I am very inadequately in dealing with messy life and stupid life choices that I can't fix.

Ugh.  That is how I feel about ministry today.  Ugh.  Stupid people making stupid choices that adversely effects everyone in their sphere of influence.  Selfishness is so short-sighted...but I guess that is the key to selfishness...self.

There is another situation that weighs me down as well...again, one that I have no influence over and can't change the outcome, but I wish for all involved that I could change it.  Life is messy...even in the church.  Sin messes people up and makes them make foolish choices that have adverse effects.  Reality disciple isn't fun...it isn't fun for my children...but it hurts even more for adults because those consequences have lasting results.  .

The answer to all this 'life' is prayer.  I can't make people change.  I can't slap them upside the head and knock some sense into them.  I can't save them from the consequences of their actions.  All I can do to influence them is keep them in prayer.  So, that's the key that I need to remind myself.  People need prayer and I firmly believe that prayer can influence the ultimate outcome in these situations.  So, I guess that means instead of worrying about all these people and feeling inadequate to give advise...or the lack of advise I have to offer...I just need to cover them in prayer.  I can do something...even though I feel that physical violence and just yelling, "STOP IT!" at a few key people might be more satisfying.

Bye-Bye Training Wheels...

 I told E last Saturday that it was time to lose the training wheels.  I made her come inside, put on some jeans and a bike helmet.  Jut took off the training wheels while she was changing. We went to the neighboring church's parking lot and started lessons.  She did great.  I didn't have to hardly hang on and I let go the first time after running with her a bit.  She did well.  But, then she hit the center curb and crashed.  She jumped right up and declared, "Just a bit of damage!" and was ready to go again.  I didn't even have to run with her after that...just had to get her started.  She could go 2 or 3 times around the parking lot without stopping by the time we went home.  However, the center curb was still giving her trouble by jumping out in front of her occasionally, but she never really got much 'damage'...didn't even require any bandaids when we got home.

We went back out in the afternoon.  She did wonderful again.  She figured out how to start herself in her second attempt at riding without the extra wheels.  That made my job so much easier.  I didn't have to go to her each time she stopped.  She just got herself going again.  She did great.  Steering was still an issue and she couldn't ride on the sidewalk because she'd run into things and couldn't keep it on the pavement.

However, tonight she mastered it.  Attempt #3 secured mastery!  She could start, stop and go where she wanted.  She was flying.  It was fun to watch her joy at her ability.  She did great.  When we went home, she rode on the sidewalk the whole way without any problems.  I've very proud of how well she did!

Of course, the boys were with us too.  X and C had more fun throwing dirt into the drain...C even thought that eating it was wonderful...crazy boy.

X rode his bike most of the time.  He is a champ on that little bike.  He can zoom around that parking lot almost as fast as E can peddle...sometimes faster, I think.  I love watching him fly down hills.  Balance bikes are awesome!!

The sun was bright and C wanted my hat.  He put it on himself and left it there for a quite a long time.  I thought that he was too adorable not to photograph...even if it was a touch on the large side.

Spring *finally* arrives

We waited for spring to arrive...and with its arrival it jumped straight to summer...but we'll take that over the snow that was flying at the end of April.  We've had so much fun outside for the past 2 weeks.  Its been so fun to be outside and take some pictures again.  I love the changing of the seasons!!  Every season change brings some kind of excitement.  Although, I think spring brings out the most excitement.

We were suppose to go away for the most of the week, but our plans were delayed/cancelled (depending on how today goes for the family we were going to visit).  However, we've enjoyed our last two days at home.  We met with a contractor regarding the house (Yipee!!) and today worked on E riding her bike without the training wheels.  Fun family times.

*Almost* Wordless Wednesday

This is what happens at dinner when you enjoy playing outside all day and don't take time for your afternoon nap...you can every sleep through your dad's laughter and table pounding.

X at 3.5

The last six months for X has changed in one major way...He was introduced to Star Wars!  His life will never be the same.  Everything has a Star Wars slant now.  He shoots (bazoom-bazoom) everything.  He either has a light saber in his hand or a gun (however, to the casual observer, it probably appears to be a stick).  He loves Luke and Chewie.  My favorite quote from him this winter was, "Chewie thinks Pedialite is nonsense".  The "no wookie noises at the table rule" had to be instituted this winter.  Life has irrevocable changed...a whole new world of boyhood has entered. C has taken over the world of trains as X has whole-heartedly jumped into the Star Wars world.  All pretend play has elements of Star Wars in it.  Now, he hasn't seen the movies in their entirity, but he has seen pieces of Episodes 1, 4, 5 and 6.  They are currently watching 2.

X was hilarious when Jut told him that Darth Vadar was Luke's father.  "What?!  Darth Vadar is Luke's father?  I can't believe it!!!"  We all almost fell off our chairs laughing.  His voice inflections and utter surprise were hilarious.  I wish we would have caught it on video.

X has really matured throughout the school year.  He loves sitting at the table with E and I during school.  He picks up so many random facts about things during our lessons.  He loves to read with us and explore the world map.  He can identify the Eiffel Tower and find Michigan on the map.  I love to see his mind absorb so much from our schooling.  He loves to sit and paint with us or color or complete puzzles when we are working on lessons.  He had a 'workbook' that he enjoyed doing with us this winter.  It was on mazes and practicing his fine motor skills.  He did great at it.  Now, he is fairly good at the mazes within coloring books, too.  Just today, he started at 5 and subtracted 1 until he got down to zero using the language, "I take one away and now I have..."  I was impressed.  He is a quick learner right now.

Reading is a favorite pastime.  He loves to sit and cuddle and read books.  I think he'd spend all rest time each day reading with me if I'd allow it.  Every once in a while, I'll even read him to sleep in the evenings.  He is just so sweet.

He still is my little cuddle bug.  He'll still climb into bed in the middle of the night.  When I ask him about it in the morning, he'll tell me, "Mom, I thought you needed a cuddle so I came to give you one!".  Melts my heart every time.  If he gets tired or frustrated, all he wants to do is sit on my lap for a bit.  Cuddling is one of his major love languages.

C at 18-months

  18 months...a year and a half old...wow!  My little guy just keeps growing and progressing.  He's as fun as he is exasperating.  He is ALL boy and keeps me on my toes throughout the day.

He loves cars, trains, trucks...especially Thomas right now.  He loves wearing Thomas shirts and loves X's undies with Thomas.  He loves to have an engine in his hand at all times.  He loves reading Thomas books.  He is completely Thomas obsessed...however, he does still find the time to play with cars, trucks and tractors.

He's had a huge growth spurt in the last month.  He went from 18-month tops and 12-month bottoms to 2T shirts and 18-month bottoms in the blink of an eye.  I am just taking the shirts from X's drawers and putting them into C's.  (Thankfully X grew just enough to move into 3Ts...although it is strange to see C wearing shirts that X wore late last fall.)  He just keeps growing.  He is a bit over 32 pounds, I believe.  He's a solid guy.

He really isn't talking much.  He says, "mama" all the time.  It means, "Give me that!"  I think I preferred E's non-naming me to C's demanding using my 'name'.  He says "Da-da" for Jut.  I think he intentionally says, "puppy" and "yah" for 'yes'.  Mostly his vocal cues are unintelligible or screeches (especially for the cat...she has her own special C screech).  But, he didn't walk until after Christmas just after he turned 14-months because he could do what he wanted by crawling.  I think that he gets what he wants by pointing and screeching and so he doesn't find the reason to talk.  I've tried signing with him on and off and he just smiles and continues to screech and point.  My little stinker.

Fortunately, he has outgrown his love for emptying the refrigerator.  He will still raid it if he's hungry but we don't have to keep it constantly barricaded anymore.  That's a nice change.  We don't have to keep the kitchen chairs flipped over either.  He'll still climb on the table and do the 'table dance' if we are out there but he doesn't do it all the time and unsupervised.

He does love to color...and rip pages out of his coloring books.  He sits at the table and does 'school' with us.  It is fun to have all the kids sitting together at the table working on their different projects.
He has also learned that he loves watching the television...for awhile.  He really enjoys Thomas but he'll watch most things for several minutes.  Unfortunately when he's 'done', he thinks everyone else should be done also and he turns off the DVD player, which results in much screaming and gnashing of teeth by the other two.

He's adorable, dimpled smile gets me every time.  He's too adorable for his own good.  I love that little grin...or his bashful look when he buries his head into my shoulder.  He cuddles in at nap and bedtime.  Putting him to bed has turned into one of my favorite times of the day now that he will sit and cuddle and not fight it.  I'm so glad we are done teething until those next pesky molars erupt closer to age 2.

Chasing the big kids around the house is great fun.  We have 'poisonous' time most night before bed.  The kids run laps and chase each other...sounds very calming, does it not?!  C loves the chase and the screaming.  It is funny.

A year and a half...hardly seems possible.  He's a sweet guy...loves screaming when he doesn't get his way...but we'd all do that if it were socially acceptable, wouldn't we??

Living life...

Saturday marked a huge accomplishment for Jut.  He graduated with his Master's Degree in Religious Education with an emphasis in Missional leadership.  I am so proud of him.  Until three years ago, he never desired a higher degree...and based on his undergraduate work, never thought he'd really ever be able to do it.  His parents did not have 4-year college degrees and his sister does not either.  A B.A. was fine for him.

But, God has a way of making us change our opinions about things.  Jut felt called to leave youth ministry and take the lead minister role of our church.  The elders felt that he needed more education. He didn't want to take the traditional M.Div. route...he was thinking more of leadership training.  I thought he needed some biblical studies and we found Rochester had a bit of both.  So, he decided to give it a shot.

It has been a long 20+ months for us.  We have experienced more 'life' in the past two years than we have in all our previous 8 years of marriage.  It started with the death of my grandmother less than two months prior to the beginning of classes.  Then, C was born two months into the semester.  Jut assumed the role of 'lead minister' that January right before we received word that the doctors were ready to discontinue chemo for Mike.  We lost an influential friend to heart issues that month and an elder of the church shortly following.  Then his dad died...then my grandpa died.  I think auto-pilot took over that spring and we just functioned as well as we could.

Summer began.  We took a relaxing vacation and then kept busy for the rest of the summer.  Jut started school back up in the fall.  I took over the Sunday night children's ministry program.  We started homeschooling E.  We watched my extended family's relationship disintegrate.  We made a decision to buy and remodel my grandparents' home.  Jut's grandfather passed away.  There have been church issues to handle throughout the year.  The kids seemed to have an inordinate amount of sickness this winter. The list of things doesn't seem as huge for things that happened in this year of grad school but I don't think we could have handled much more on our plates.  The events seemed very mentally/emotionally taxing...and I think the first year of grad school used up our 'bank' of mental/emotional reserves.  It has been a long semester.

However, it is finished.  Jut graduated.  He even got a great compliment from his hardest professor on his last paper.  He did great!  Life is good.  Now, it is time to sit back and relax a bit.  Maybe build up some of those reserves again. Jut is even playing video games as I write this...taking time to relax.  It is good.  It is hard to remember what 'normal' was prior to graduate school.  Before grad school began, we were a preschool family a four. So, now we get the fun task of finding out what 'normal' is for a homeschooling family of five...

We know new challenges will face us.  Other things will try to make us busy again, but we have our priorities.  We know there are things that will fill the hole that school left in his life.  However, we will be careful to guard that hole that 'things' do not take too much of that space.  We need time.  The kids need time.  He needs time. These are all things we must remember.

Well done, Jut!  You did awesome.  You did your best to balance school, church and family.  I couldn't have asked for anymore.  Thank you for all your hard work!  Congratulations on your accomplishment!!